On Hurting

I hurt today. When I don't hurt, it's an academic problem. I can talk about hurting, about not sleeping, about limping, about being frustrated. Then, I can go do something fun and forget about it. When I do hurt, I can't do anything else. I can't exercise, can't do stress relief activities, can't sleep, can't forget about it. I'm so tired. Some days, I'm bounding with energy, ideas, happiness. It's hard to be happy on days like this. It's hard to put one foot in front of the other, to think, to perform basic tasks. It's hard to imagine that there's nothing wrong with me, that I'm not dying, that I will ever not hurt. To wonder what I could have done to make this not happen.

I get angry. I get cranky. Everything is done to annoy me. I get depressed. I worry over things. I get stressed out emotionally. I want to hurt people, say mean things, push people out of my way. I have to work extra hard to be around people, to be nice, to be cheerful. I don't feel cheerful. I don't feel nice.

And I know that when I stop hurting, I'll stop thinking about it. I won't limp, or grind my teeth, or be exhausted. I won't worry about it. I'll be my regular, ray of sunshine self. I'll want to help people, do good things, hang out. But today, I can't think about anything else. I can't remember what feeling good is like.

I'm tired of talking about it. No, there's nothing I can do about it. Yes, whatever it is you think is causing it, I've been tested for that. Whatever treatment you're suggesting, I've probably tried it. Please stop suggesting things, asking things. When I tell you about it, it's because you looked concerned over my limp/strained expression so I gave you an explanation. My body is not yours to fix, and the more you try the more frustrated I get because I can't do anything about it.