I hurt today. When I don't hurt, it's an academic problem. I can talk about hurting, about not sleeping, about limping, about being frustrated. Then, I can go do something fun and forget about it. When I do hurt, I can't do anything else. I can't exercise, can't do stress relief activities, can't sleep, can't forget about it. I'm so tired. Some days, I'm bounding with energy, ideas, happiness. It's hard to be happy on days like this. It's hard to put one foot in front of the other, to think, to perform basic tasks. It's hard to imagine that there's nothing wrong with me, that I'm not dying, that I will ever not hurt. To wonder what I could have done to make this not happen.
I get angry. I get cranky. Everything is done to annoy me. I get depressed. I worry over things. I get stressed out emotionally. I want to hurt people, say mean things, push people out of my way. I have to work extra hard to be around people, to be nice, to be cheerful. I don't feel cheerful. I don't feel nice.
And I know that when I stop hurting, I'll stop thinking about it. I won't limp, or grind my teeth, or be exhausted. I won't worry about it. I'll be my regular, ray of sunshine self. I'll want to help people, do good things, hang out. But today, I can't think about anything else. I can't remember what feeling good is like.
I'm tired of talking about it. No, there's nothing I can do about it. Yes, whatever it is you think is causing it, I've been tested for that. Whatever treatment you're suggesting, I've probably tried it. Please stop suggesting things, asking things. When I tell you about it, it's because you looked concerned over my limp/strained expression so I gave you an explanation. My body is not yours to fix, and the more you try the more frustrated I get because I can't do anything about it.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Transitioning
I am a thousand broken shards of glass
re-forming to a will not quite my own
I'm losing both my future and my past
My feet are heavy, slowly gaining mass
though all the rest of me has come unsewn
I am a thousand broken shards of glass
My life will move and change and fall too fast
Until I tell myself - how you have grown!
I'm losing both my future and my past.
I will not change. It is too much to ask.
My spirit has been stripped to brittle bone
I am a thousand broken shards of glass
The things I fear may never come to pass
The thrill, the fear, the hope of the unknown
I'm losing both my future and my past
I shiver and I stutter and I moan
And one bright flash, my life, my world is gone
I am a thousand broken shards of glass
losing both my future and my past.
Making the decision to physically transition is one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life. It's also been one of the most freeing. I haven't started hormones, but I feel more comfortable in my body just knowing that I have the option. There will be several posts on this, but for now, I leave you with this poem.
re-forming to a will not quite my own
I'm losing both my future and my past
My feet are heavy, slowly gaining mass
though all the rest of me has come unsewn
I am a thousand broken shards of glass
My life will move and change and fall too fast
Until I tell myself - how you have grown!
I'm losing both my future and my past.
I will not change. It is too much to ask.
My spirit has been stripped to brittle bone
I am a thousand broken shards of glass
The things I fear may never come to pass
The thrill, the fear, the hope of the unknown
I'm losing both my future and my past
I shiver and I stutter and I moan
And one bright flash, my life, my world is gone
I am a thousand broken shards of glass
losing both my future and my past.
Making the decision to physically transition is one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life. It's also been one of the most freeing. I haven't started hormones, but I feel more comfortable in my body just knowing that I have the option. There will be several posts on this, but for now, I leave you with this poem.
On Being Short
No one talks about it, but there is a definite social bias against short people. I wouldn't call it oppression, but it's damned annoying. Doubly so for a short man, and triply so for a short, pre-physical transition man.
1. No one takes you seriously. I know that all my friends see me as male, but I'm not sure if any of them actually sees me as an adult. It's very difficult to feel grown up when it seems like everyone else sees you as a child. Standing in line for the grocery store, I had someone ask me what grade I was in. I didn't even know how to answer, since I haven't been in school, even college, for at least a year and a half. And does college count as a grade? "I'm a senior in college, but I'm not in school at the moment, so I'm not sure how to answer your question." At the coffee shop, people call me "honey" and "sweetie", and the fact that it's both patronizing and misgendering makes me grind my teeth. I suppose if I was cisgendered and wanted to look grown up, I could wear makeup and tight shirts to let people know that I was a post-pubescent woman. I can't even begin to figure out how to make people take me seriously as an adult male without first going on hormones.
2. People touch you all the time. Being short makes it more difficult for tall people to see you, so you get bumped into and stepped on a lot. That I can handle (not happily, but I've been in enough mosh pits that it doesn't usually faze me), but what drives me crazy is what people do when they realized they've bumped you. They touch your shoulder, or even worse, your head, by way of apology. Sometimes they touch both your shoulders, or your back. I hate being touched by strangers, especially strange men (who are the majority of tall people touching you); it makes my skin crawl. I don't understand why they feel that this is appropriate. You accidentally touched me without my permission, so by way of apology, you're going to intentionally touch me without my permission? Besides the apology pat, you also get the attack hug, which I think is mostly relegated to people who are read as female. That is, people (again, often men, but a surprising number of women as well) you've met once or twice come in and attempt to pick you up in a hug. I've become adept at the duck-and-run technique, which is easier the taller the person. It seems that if you l0ok small enough to pick up, people can't help but try it. Can I have one hug (if I have to hug you) without my feet leaving the ground? I mean, really, it makes me feel more like a grownup to keep my feet on the ground.
3. It's impossible to find clothing that fits. I imagine this is slightly easier for women, but are any other guys out there frustrated by the choices for small men? I mean, I got this new sweater I thought looked pretty keen. I wore it to a show with my friend Erin, and told her I just got it, and how did she like it? She said, it's cute! I think [her six year old son's name goes here] has one jut like it! Of course it was a boys' sweater, one they make in all boys' sizes, so of course her son had one just like it. At least boys' ties are cheaper. They don't even make jeans in my size, they're all at least 4 inches too long so I either have to have cuffs, step on them a lot, or roll them under. I suppose I could wear boys' jeans, but I draw the line at snaps instead of buttons. So much for that! And I think that my clothing makes people see me as much younger, because I have to buy it in boys' sizes, leading to more of #1 above.
4. You feel like you either have to compensate a lot (swearing, drinking, talking about literature) or just speak up for yourself (I'm 24. I'm 24. No, I'm not in middle school. Yes that's my brother but he's 12 years younger than me. Please just look at my ID.) so that people don't see you as a child. It informs your every move, how you shape your personality, whether you like it or not.
5. You can't see. You miss out on a lot of things that happen in crowded spaces, because there's someone standing in front of you. I have to get to concerts early, every time, in order to insure a seat/standing space in the front. When I go to the movies, I end up moving at least once because someone sits in front of me and I literally can't see the screen.
There are a few perks. I still ride the bus for 75 cents. I can get into amusement parks as my friend's child and get huge discounts on my tickets. You can fit into small spaces, and you never bump your head, anywhere ever. Also, other short people tend to like you a lot, especially if you're shorter than them (which I am, not a whole lot of other 4'11'' folks out there) But really, I'd rather pay $2 for my bus fare and have people look me in the eye and treat me like I know what I'm talking about. I have a lot of fantasies about being famous, I think mainly because I feel like more people might take me seriously then.
So guys, next time you meet a short person, ask before you touch them. Don't pick them up unless they ask you to. Don't make fun of their height, don't tell them it makes them cute, or that they'll really enjoy looking "young" when they're older. Your short jokes? We've heard all of them before. Yes, even that one. And if we haven't heard it, we probably don't want to. Let them stand in front of you at the concert. And for fuck's sake, treat them like they're adults, even if you're not sure how old they are!
1. No one takes you seriously. I know that all my friends see me as male, but I'm not sure if any of them actually sees me as an adult. It's very difficult to feel grown up when it seems like everyone else sees you as a child. Standing in line for the grocery store, I had someone ask me what grade I was in. I didn't even know how to answer, since I haven't been in school, even college, for at least a year and a half. And does college count as a grade? "I'm a senior in college, but I'm not in school at the moment, so I'm not sure how to answer your question." At the coffee shop, people call me "honey" and "sweetie", and the fact that it's both patronizing and misgendering makes me grind my teeth. I suppose if I was cisgendered and wanted to look grown up, I could wear makeup and tight shirts to let people know that I was a post-pubescent woman. I can't even begin to figure out how to make people take me seriously as an adult male without first going on hormones.
2. People touch you all the time. Being short makes it more difficult for tall people to see you, so you get bumped into and stepped on a lot. That I can handle (not happily, but I've been in enough mosh pits that it doesn't usually faze me), but what drives me crazy is what people do when they realized they've bumped you. They touch your shoulder, or even worse, your head, by way of apology. Sometimes they touch both your shoulders, or your back. I hate being touched by strangers, especially strange men (who are the majority of tall people touching you); it makes my skin crawl. I don't understand why they feel that this is appropriate. You accidentally touched me without my permission, so by way of apology, you're going to intentionally touch me without my permission? Besides the apology pat, you also get the attack hug, which I think is mostly relegated to people who are read as female. That is, people (again, often men, but a surprising number of women as well) you've met once or twice come in and attempt to pick you up in a hug. I've become adept at the duck-and-run technique, which is easier the taller the person. It seems that if you l0ok small enough to pick up, people can't help but try it. Can I have one hug (if I have to hug you) without my feet leaving the ground? I mean, really, it makes me feel more like a grownup to keep my feet on the ground.
3. It's impossible to find clothing that fits. I imagine this is slightly easier for women, but are any other guys out there frustrated by the choices for small men? I mean, I got this new sweater I thought looked pretty keen. I wore it to a show with my friend Erin, and told her I just got it, and how did she like it? She said, it's cute! I think [her six year old son's name goes here] has one jut like it! Of course it was a boys' sweater, one they make in all boys' sizes, so of course her son had one just like it. At least boys' ties are cheaper. They don't even make jeans in my size, they're all at least 4 inches too long so I either have to have cuffs, step on them a lot, or roll them under. I suppose I could wear boys' jeans, but I draw the line at snaps instead of buttons. So much for that! And I think that my clothing makes people see me as much younger, because I have to buy it in boys' sizes, leading to more of #1 above.
4. You feel like you either have to compensate a lot (swearing, drinking, talking about literature) or just speak up for yourself (I'm 24. I'm 24. No, I'm not in middle school. Yes that's my brother but he's 12 years younger than me. Please just look at my ID.) so that people don't see you as a child. It informs your every move, how you shape your personality, whether you like it or not.
5. You can't see. You miss out on a lot of things that happen in crowded spaces, because there's someone standing in front of you. I have to get to concerts early, every time, in order to insure a seat/standing space in the front. When I go to the movies, I end up moving at least once because someone sits in front of me and I literally can't see the screen.
There are a few perks. I still ride the bus for 75 cents. I can get into amusement parks as my friend's child and get huge discounts on my tickets. You can fit into small spaces, and you never bump your head, anywhere ever. Also, other short people tend to like you a lot, especially if you're shorter than them (which I am, not a whole lot of other 4'11'' folks out there) But really, I'd rather pay $2 for my bus fare and have people look me in the eye and treat me like I know what I'm talking about. I have a lot of fantasies about being famous, I think mainly because I feel like more people might take me seriously then.
So guys, next time you meet a short person, ask before you touch them. Don't pick them up unless they ask you to. Don't make fun of their height, don't tell them it makes them cute, or that they'll really enjoy looking "young" when they're older. Your short jokes? We've heard all of them before. Yes, even that one. And if we haven't heard it, we probably don't want to. Let them stand in front of you at the concert. And for fuck's sake, treat them like they're adults, even if you're not sure how old they are!
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